Personal space: Back off dude. (Luke playing with fire at Sado.)

Tell me more than once (many more than once) how much you like this or that about me, killing the conversation, making me self conscious and uncomfortable, and increase the frequency as my boundaries become more solid.

Talk to me about marriage. Sure, we just met; this is a believable conversation.

Talk to me about children. Question my views on the subject when I am foolish enough to actually tell you I don\Zt really want children. Tell me I need to rethink my views.

Talk to me about forever, about how real this is between us, how its going to continue for a long time and insist very strongly that it has to begin tonight.

When I tell you that Im not sleeping with you tonight, get annoyed with me and start negotiating what exactly will be involved in ‘sleeping’.

Don\Zt listen to me when I say no.

Take my boundaries personally. Get offended by them. Tell me to ‘Calm down’ when you dont like what you are hearing.

When you finally hear me saying no, instead of realizing that you have gone too far and taking a breath and a step back, tell me how fucked up I am, and that its no wonder you usually prefer the ones who don\Zt speak English.

Lessons I have learned from this experience:

If you really think I’m valuable then you will have no problems with reserve and respect, and keeping your hands to yourself.

There will be no conversation whatsoever about marriage, children or the future. The number of guys out there these days who use this kind of stuff as their pick up line is only increasing. Guys, distinguish yourselves: Don\Zt bring it up.

Bugger diplomacy. If you cant recognize that my boundaries are there because I actually know what I do and don\Zt want, or to keep me safe, then forget about it. If you think my boundaries are there to make you feel bad, that\Zs your problem, you work on it.

I don\Zt need to make it safe for you. I need to learn to cope with you not making it safe for me.

I am neither fully responsible for, nor fully in control of the situation. If I stop thinking that I am, then I will be able to set clearer limits earlier. I have to give up the illusion of control over how you feel about what I do.

• Kristen said on 05/08/30 at 11:53 AM.....

  Ugh, that sounds like a truly awful encounter.

• Meghan Barstow said on 05/08/30 at 02:06 PM.....

  Sounds like a loser with a capital “L”. Sigh, why are there so many out there?....

• T said on 05/08/30 at 02:26 PM.....

  Sounds to me like you met a total control freak…  glad to hear you ran away as he sounds totally destructive.

  
  I think some of these guys feel good here as the lack of English means that people don’t often call them on their bullshit.

  
  Don’t take it to heart as it was all him and not you babe!!

• MJ said on 05/08/30 at 03:07 PM.....

  Damn Joey sounds like a horrible scene. Hope you’re OK.

  Will call you tonight (buying new keitai today so I can actually use phone)

   

• j-ster said on 05/08/31 at 01:44 AM.....

  Its done, its over and ive learned a valuable lesson and im all good. The most important thing is that there are lots of good gals out there and all the support that I need.

• h. said on 05/09/01 at 12:03 AM.....

  really respect your strength at really looking at yourself and the situation & learning from it…

  
  it’s not an easy thing to do.

  wish i had just half of your j-power…

   

• tokyogoat said on 05/09/01 at 12:09 AM.....

  sounds like a friggin fool and this try-hard pulling technique of “challenging” your thinking shows a large amount of disrespect. tell him to fuck off, I say…...but what do I know…

• j-ster said on 05/09/01 at 12:06 PM.....

  What do any of us know? He seemed reasonably nice for most of our interaction, and I genuinely didn’t want to offend him. Im kinda scared to say ‘Fuck off’ to a guy who is already physically pushy, but thats where I need to learn more, specifically: How to say ‘Fuck off’ in an unequivocable way that doesnt offend or escalate the unhappiness in the situation generally.

  Guys, any advice? What could a girl say to you that would not offend you, that would leave open the possibility of friendly interaction in the future but also make it clear that she wasnt interested in being in your bed tonight?

  
  (and h. sweet, you know, I’m pretty sure you do! Took me 4 years to get around to having the conversations that have taken place in the last few days…)

   

• ian mac said on 05/09/10 at 10:13 PM.....

  dear jo, give it up love and come on home to the real life, xx ian.