Photo taken by the Ash-man, Kamakura Aug. 2004

Been talking to Ms. Pixie about how the weather affects our moods. Yep, its that time of winter again. As she said; the middle of Feb, everyone crashes hard. The sky is grey, it seems colder and wetter than at any other time of the year. You talk to people and everyone is stuck, frustrated, anxious; nothing much is happening with the plans and resolutions they made at New Year, it seems so hard to get moving on anything. But talk to them again in about a month to six weeks and its a whole different story: they are moving on their plans, things are happening and changing, they are over the hurdle.

So here i am by design in pretty much the same position organisationally, experientially, geographically as i have been for the last three years. Im so happy whith what im doing right now, honoured, motivated, excited, stretching. But at the same time, im suddenly aware that im an emotional train wreck for the third year in a row. How did i get here? 

For the last three years i have spent Feb/Mar/April upset, anxious, teary, lonely, overwhelmed and over-emotional. I am also busy, really happy and satisfied with work and my social life is pretty active. Where does this unhappiness come from? Earth and fire become really important to me too, i overdose on eating and smoking (expect a throat problem in a few weeks) at the expense of water and fresh air. Why am i doing this damage to myself?

Three years of the same events; a few cast changes, role changes, circumstance changes, similar enough to make the pattern obvious but different enough for the events to be obviously unrelated to the feelings.  So now that ive seen it, what do i do?

Ive been listening for echoes of this and i can go back many years before these three. I need to work on this more.
I think i also need to stop sending emails, the debris from this train wreck seems to fly pretty far.
What else can i do? I dont know. But if i did know...? Sit and observe with awareness might be a good start.

• Kristen said on 05/02/19 at 10:23 AM.....

  Is seasonal affective disorder the cause of my two weeks of angst and misery? I hadn’t considered that as a root cause. Not that a syndrome to point a finger at much changes the way I feel or the revelations I have had about myself and my life but at least I can hope that I don’t need to be medicated or to go into therapy. I just need more sunlight.

• fiona said on 05/02/19 at 10:39 AM.....

  Big hugs from Adelaide Australia!! The weather here in Feb is as you know usually sweltering. We have a dull rainy day today though, but some sun is coming to lighten our hearts. I love your wisdom Jo. Change is the only constant. Looking in reveals deadened embers, but also, always, fresh sparks.

• Ben said on 05/02/19 at 11:09 AM.....

  Hi jster

  
  It’s Ben Mc here, an old Adelaiddite you might recall.  Like to email u, but can’t find any kind of non-forum link.

  remove the nospam protector from my email to get the real address.

  
  later

   

• Fontella said on 05/02/21 at 07:26 AM.....

  Having lived in Hobart and Mount Gambier where grey skies are pretty much the norm than sunshine, I can attest how sunshine (or the lack of) can affect one’s mood. By the way its February, we are in the final week of Summer and I am still looking at grey skies! Final thought - the more things change the more they stay the same. Don’t worry you are growing, evolving and moving on it is just at times it occurs much more slowly than at others.

• T said on 05/02/21 at 05:46 PM.....

  I find that “fake it until you make it” works for illogical depressive states.  You know that you have lots to be happy about, but can’t seem to shake off the blues.

  So at the risk of sounding trite, “whistle a happy tune” and act happy and real happiness will follow shortly after. 

  
  It works for me but then I am a strange pathologically happy creature.

   

• j-ster said on 05/02/21 at 06:49 PM.....

  Ms. T, i agree, but this is a regular event. I want to know why it happens, what its about, why it comes up in feb/mar/apr every year regardless of the season or how happy i am with other stuff. Illogic can be battled with patience and logic applied over time until old patterns and beliefs are unlearned. Im more in the mood for digging.

• T said on 05/02/21 at 08:21 PM.....

  J-ster.. Why do we get down when we should be on top of the world, it is habit? Self-fulfilling prophecies of doom? Guilt over being happy with all the trouble out there in the world at large? Guilt over feeling happy when friends are having a tough time I don’t know…

  The seasonal thing - post christmas/new year blah? The realisation that the best laid plans at the euphoria of start of the new year are going to involve work and are not going to just happen because we want them to?  Realising that this year is not that much different to the year before???   It is after Christmas and the next presents are not expected until our birthdays and that is MONTHS away?

  
  But really I think the simplest answer is weather and sunlight. 

  
  But the blues do feed off themselves and damn are they greedy buggers. 

   

  Not really making any point with this post - just throwing a few ideas out there.

   

• j-ster said on 05/02/22 at 12:33 AM.....

  I knew when i wrote this one that id crossed the line from blog to diary…

  
  So lets say, you’re on you’re bike riding home one moonlit night, and you go past that pothole you always pass, the one you go round, swerve to avoid or blunder through accidentally every now and then depending on how drunk you are. Well how about if tonight, it being a moonlit night and all, how about if you slowed, stopped, got off your bike, checked it out? You can see the size, texture and depth of it. You can imagine what it would take to repair it. Think about what you can use to make it a smooth part of the road again. If you stop…